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After around 4.5 billion years Mother Nature has announced she is taking a day off in protest of the recent policy changes at the EPA. On Saturday, April 22nd Mother Nature has announced she will be absent from work. She was inspired by the recent 'Day without Immigrants' and 'Day without Women' protests that took place in America. During a recent interview she had this to say "For the last two hundred years I have been watching you generate more and more waste and pollution, you finally seemed to realize you were doing irreparable damage and began making an effort to slow down the destruction. Now after a few months with a new president you seem to be actively trying to destroy the world. I am taking a break for a day and letting you deal with this mess on your own." 

Scientists have been interviewed in an attempt to determine exactly what Mother Nature is responsible for but no one seems to be able to offer a clear answer. Theories range from maintaining breathable air and drinkable water, to keeping the earth cloaked from meteors that are hell bent on crashing into the planet and wiping out all life as we know it. 

President Trump responded with the following Tweet "Hey Mother Nature maybe you should get a boob job and lose a few pounds on your day off ya' 4."

A new budget has been passed to congress by President Trump. With massive increases in military, infrastructure, and other government services such as additional police and immigration forces, as well as 4.5 billion dollars allocated to covering the White House in gold, many people are asking how the president intends to come up with this money. Even with the cuts to Education, Environment, Veteran's benefits, Social Security, and Housing, the massive tax cuts given to corporations and the top 1% of Americans is projected to create trillions of dollars in additional deficits over the next several years. 

But worry not for Donald Trump has a plan. "I met this great group of farmers, great, amazing people, you would love them, trust me." He said in a recent interview with Breitbart News. He continues "They had these beans, amazing beans, and what I do is plant them and the grow this giant bean stalk, and we send the military up this stalk where these rich, super tall people live, now see these tall people got rich with these geese that lay golden eggs, they are huge! So what we do is we annex these geese and we sell the eggs to NATO and China and other rich countries it is gonna be amazing folks. Trust me."

When asked why the farmers didn't get the eggs themselves Donald explained "See these farmers don't have an army, all they got is like pitchforks and torches. Believe me those tall people are some mean hombres, or you know whatever you call tall people from wherever they are from. Anyway these poor farmers can't get the eggs from the bad dudes but I can, so I made them an amazing deal, trust me everyone is gonna walk away from this rich."

Republicans today unveiled a massive new health care plan. The bill containing over 10,000 pages all of them blank has been widely embraced by the Republican party. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan praised the cost savings the bill would bring by not allowing any entitlements, preventing people with pre-existing conditions from receiving insurance, denying over twenty million Americans health care, and generally fucking over anyone at or below the poverty line.  President Donald Trump tweeted "Finally a legal document in language I understand gud (sic) job guys". While the bill has been well received by most Republicans some feel the lack of language may leave the bill open to interpretation. "What about Death Panels?" House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy asked. "I am concerned that those Obama Death Panels will still be there after the repeal and replace". Realizing the futility of the situation Democrats have attached a rider to the bill that would allow California, Oregon, and Washington to secede from the United States, and make all Democratic congress and senate members residents of the newly seceded nation. Representative Nancy Pelosi has offered total Democratic support for the modified bill. 

Let's face it Samsung has had a lot of bad publicity in the past couple years. Some of the highlights were the washing machine recall due to a risk of impact injuries , the Note S7 that was banned by the FAA on any flight due to the risk of explosion, and the corporations heir facing corruption charges. All of this has led Samsung CEO Dr. Oh-Hyun Kwon to rethink the company's strategic plan. "There are many great electronics companies out there such as Sony and Panasonic." Dr. Kwon said. "Samsung is just not one of them, we made a solid run at the market and we came up short, now it is time for a shift."

With all the recent headlines focused on Samsung the executive team believes everyone in the world knows the Samsung name and they are proud to introduce several new non-technology divisions that are sure to take that name recognition to the next level. 

Samsung Water: a refreshing new beverage made of dihydrogen monoxide. This colorless odorless drink will leave you both sated and thirsting for more. With 0 calories and all the flavor that can be packed into a flavorless beverage Samsung Water will be the taste on everyone's tongue. 

Samsunderwear: A new under garment line from Samsung. With a variety of colors and styles available both men and women will love Samsunderwear. 

Samsung Cares: A non-profit division of Samsung dedicated to providing free legal advice to anyone injured by Samsung products. 

This is just the beginning for the future of Samsung. As new leadership takes over the decimated shattered ruins of the company brought on by corruption and negligence more bright ideas are sure to follow. 

Apple's next-generation iPhone 9 may be the most anticipated version of the phone to date. Every part of this amazing device has been redesigned with the user in mind. An all new environmentally friendly hardened clay case and special high-density screen that is both crack and scratch resistant make this the most durable iPhone ever. Taking the removal of the headphone jack from previous phones to a new level the iPhone 9 introduces a new "Port-less" design that makes the phone both water proof and wire proof. The classic iPhone interface has been completely overwritten to bring about a new sleek error-proof design. No more troubles with pressing the screen too hard or small icons that can accidentally be hit, Apple has done away with all of that with their new one touch does all configuration. Battery life has been increased to never before seen levels, your phone will work the same weeks even months after heavy use as it does fresh off the charger. This phone will come in a variety of sizes from the standard dimensions of 3.5 x 8 inches to the new Cinder that is a massive 8 x 12 inches. The standard model will retail for about $950.00 and the Cinder model will start at $1,250.00. 

New San Francisco 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan has begun working with the coaching staff to develop a plan for the forthcoming season. Shanahan you may recall was the offensive coordinator for the Atlanta Falcons last year helping lead them to a record setting season only to utterly fail in one of the most dismal quarters of football in NFL history. I mean to have a 28 - 9 lead with just 15 minutes left in the game makes victory seem almost certain. How much does a team have to choke on both offense and defense to let such a lead fall by the wayside?  

Kyle has put all that past him and is ready to focus on his new team and a new year. When asked about a strategy Kyle had this to say "Back in the late 80's and 90's San Francisco was the team to beat. We have been watching thousands of hours of film analyzing what set them apart from the other teams, what made them winners. What we discovered was amazing, I truly believe this is going to change the way football is played. When we watched the games we found that one hundred percent of the time that the Niners' won they outscored their opponents. I mean think about that one hundred percent of the time! We could not believe it at first, we double and triple checked the statistics and it was true every time they won they outscored the other team. 

Shanahan then led us onto the practice field where instead of players running, passing and defensive plays each member of the team sat at a desk with a small white board. Offensive Coordinator Curtis Modkins would shout out a number like 18 and each team member would quickly write down a higher number. "How do we win?" Curtis would shout followed by the jubilant screams of players with their numbers. Players who chose numbers lower than Curtis' number were put onto the remedial squad.